Fred works nights. I work days. And somehow, we still manage to be married. (Kinda kidding… but also, not.) We get two full weekends and maybe eight weekdays a month together. And before you say, “Well, at least you get that!”—yeah, I thought so too. Until I realized how many of those days are spent with him sleeping because, you know, night shifts don’t exactly play nice with circadian rhythms. And let me tell you—being the partner of a shift worker? It’s not for the faint of heart.
Let’s be real. Shift work is exhausting—for them. But it’s also exhausting for us. The ones holding down the fort while they’re at work when the rest of the world is sleeping. The ones keeping things quiet during the day so they can catch up on rest. The ones juggling the kids, the bills, the plans, the everything. And then… trying to squeeze in quality time when your bodies are in completely different time zones. I didn’t realize how heavy it would feel some days. Fred would come home as I was leaving for work. We’d pass each other like ships in the night (literally) and try to make those quick hugs in the hallway count for more than they should’ve had to.
the night that taught me something
I was still learning what it meant to be supportive. We were in bed one night—Fred was trying to sleep after a long shift, and I was wide awake. Lonely. Restless. I didn’t know how to say I miss you. I feel alone in this. So instead, I turned on the TV. Loud. Like loud loud. And I sat there watching it while he was next to me, trying so hard to get some sleep. We fought about that night for weeks. Not because of the TV. But because I didn’t know how to say what I needed. And he didn’t know how to tell me what he needed in that moment, either. That night taught me that supporting a shift worker—and being in a marriage like this—is about learning. Messy, uncomfortable learning sometimes. But it’s also about grace. And about finally getting to a place where you can say, “I’m lonely.” ”I’m tired.” And trusting that you’ll both figure it out from there.
How We Make It Work (Most Days):
We have a standing check-in. Even if it’s 10 minutes over coffee (me) and water (him) at 6 am before he crashes.
We plan our time together. And I mean plan. If we don’t, it doesn’t happen.
We give each other grace. Some days, we’re both exhausted in totally different ways. That’s when we try to step back and remind ourselves, “This isn’t forever. We’re in this together.
”We don’t guilt-trip. I don’t give him a hard time because he is tired. He doesn’t give me a hard time for missing him. We name it, we don’t blame it. Supporting a Shift Worker Means…Protecting their sleep like it’s sacred. Picking up slack without resentment (and talking about it when it is hard).Making peace with unconventional hours. Finding connection in weird little pockets of time—text messages, phone calls, random “thinking about you” notes on the kitchen counter. And Supporting Yourself Means…Take the time you need without guilt. Having your own routine, hobbies, and life outside of their schedule. Knowing it’s okay to miss them and still be proud of them.—
At Dinner With the Wife, we know every marriage has its own rhythm. And sometimes, that rhythm looks a little upside down when shift work is involved. If you’re looking for ways to reconnect on your own time, our Dinner With the Wife subscription boxes are made exactly for couples like us. No fancy timing is required—just open it up when you both finally get to sit down together.
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